Yard Poop

This past weekend, as we were walking back home after visiting our local Farmer’s Market, we crossed the “Village Green” where the city had obviously just aerated the grass.  We started walking across the grass, waiting for the comment from Jamison.  And then, like Manna from above, it came:

“Ewwww!  Yard Poop!”

Yes indeed.  Yard Poop.

Annoying-icious

Season 5 - Episode 2:  Curse of the Tree-Hugging Models

Before we even get to the actual reveal of this week’s challenge, we get to see the designers hanging out.  Stella and Suede are still as annoying as ever and if Blayne keeps addding -icious to every freaking word I am going to drive myself to Parsons New School and kill him my own self.

The challenge this week is all about Eco-Fashion.  The designers must create a cocktail dress out of “green” fabrics and their clients are the models they all picked for the week.  Here is the twist:  the models get the $75 to go buy all the fabric and materials.  As the models frolic off to Mood to get the stuff, the designers all freak out that they will end up with shitty and horrific fabrics.  And oh right correct they were.

After the shopping and a commercial break, we are back at the school and the designers are busy working away.  Stella is fighting her model’s desire for something drapey and flowing and while she tries her best to come up with something, Kelli walks by and calls her “Drapey Draperson” and I realize that I could not love Kelli any more than I do. 

Suede talks about himself in the third person and is generally annoying the complete shit out of everyone.  His ego and blue paint spray can hair makes me all stabby. 

Updates on some of the others:  Korto is totally paranoid that someone else is copying her dress.  Stella is actually wearing spikes on her clothing.  Really.  Blayne is still tanned and totally bugging and actually calls Stella “leather face”  Pot, meet Kettle.  Suede continues to talk in third person and the entire room makes fun of him. 

Tim comes for a visit and I prepare to take notes on his fantastic and awesome quotes, but alas he has none.  As far as quotes go, this episode pretty much blows. 

There is another commerical break and I am called down to the basement so Jamison can show me his favoritest part of Wipeout from the night before.  He shows me the part where the “Ball Loving Wierdo” declares his love for the big balls.  “I love you balls!”   Jamison laughs hysterically.  If Wipeout was aiming for the 7 year old boy demographic, they are hitting it out of the park.

Back to the show and it is time for the Runway Show portion of the evening.  The guest judge is Natalie Portman and she is itty-bitty.  Tiny.  Like I could fit her in my bag.  The show starts and all of the dresses are pretty okay.  Suede’s dress is actually cute and cool.  Dammit.  Kim freakin’ hates when the annoying ass turns out to be a good designer.  Kim wants to poke her eyes out but just drinks more wine instead.

The top three:  Kinsley, Stella and Suede.  (Yes, I said Stella and Suede.  It isn’t just the wine - I verified with my daughter).  The bottom three:  Wesley, Leanne and Korto. 

Suede wins and Wesley goes home.  Leanne and Korto cry a lot and I am totally underwhelmed by this episode. 

Can you tell.

General Generalness

Due to lack of ideas and creativity . . today’s blog post will be brought to you by the bulleted list without bullets.  Because I don’t like the way WordPress spaces them and I’m too lazy to try to figure out how to fix it.  Welcome to my home-made bullets.  Holla! 

F I find it interesting that some of the blogging ladies I stalk/read/follow/etc. are either preggers or trying to be or recently had babies, while I am at the same time considering having all of my lady parts removed.  I have to admit (earmuffs Dave) that it kind of makes me sad in a way.  Even though I had my tubes tied when I had the surgery where they diagnosed my Adenomyosis, the finality of having it all taken out is a little sad.  But then I remember that I won’t have anymore crippling pain and will stop bleeding like a stuck pig every half month or so and that makes all that sadness go right away. 

 

F Because I have never actually put this in a blog, here is my number one (currently) favorite search string for my blog:  “name of someone who cuts the heads of chickens.”  Hysterical.  (“i’m completely insane” is a very close second). 

 

F I just found out, literally minutes ago, that my request for next week off was approved.  While the reason that I’m taking the week off was brought about by last minute news and was very stressful, turns out I am supremely excited to have a week off with Nothing. To. Do.   Alexa will be off with her dad and Dave will be off teaching people how to breathe and stuff and Jamison and I will be sitting around in our underwear playing X-Box 360 and watching cartoons all week.  Sweet.

 

Curse of the Large Teeth

So, Jamison has lost one of his two top front teeth, and the second one is loose.  His bottom front two came out at the same time as well.  The interesting thing to me is how freaking large the hole is where his tooth came from.  Good Lord.

 We fear that he is going to end up looking much like Timmy Turner:

 Or mabye just his father:

(you can’t really tell in this picture - but Dave’s two top-front teeth are quite large.  However, you can tell in this picture that the teenage daughter Is. Not. Amused.)

So, we joked with Jamison last night and called him Timmy Turner, which might seem cruel and mean except for the fact that Jamison LOVES Timmy Turner and thinks he is a super cool dude.  I think he secretly hopes that if he gets Timmy’s large teeth, he will also get Timmy’s Fairy Godparents.

Lord knows he already has the “Fairly Oddparents” thing covered.

Mobile Test

Testing my mobile blog feature. Now I have absolutely no excuses!

Motivation, Where Art Thou?

I just finished reading Such a Pretty Fat by Jen Lancaster.  If you have not read anything by Jen yet . . run to your nearest bookstore or library and read something NOW.  She has written three excellent books:  The aforementioned Pretty Fat, Bright Lights, Big Ass and Bitter Is The New Black.  Jen is honest and hilarious and my hero.  In the newest book, she writes about her battle to lose some weight and get into shape.  And in doing so she has made be feel pretty bad about myself – but in a good way – if that is even possible.

Back, several months ago, when it was cold in Ohio every day, a couple of friends from work and I walked across the street to our Wellness Center and joined.  For a while I did really, really good.  I went over 2-3 days a week after work and ran or used the elliptical machine.  I got myself to the point where I ran the local Race For The Cure.  It was an awesome experience and while I was on a fantastic path, I abruptly tripped and fell off.  I have not run again since the 5K, and I suck for that.  I try to convince myself that I have good excuses, but really not much has changed in my life since the colder months to stop my from exercising, other than the heat.

As much as I complain about the crappy cold weather in Ohio – apparently I need that cold weather in order to exercise?  How lame am I.  Reading Jen’s book might actually be what I need to get myself back off of my ass and back out on the road.  Or even back into the gym.  Something so that my lazy ass doesn’t get killed by strolling around a farmers market for 45 minutes.  That is just downright ridiculous.

So, as potentially meaningless as this may be, considering my spotty blog history as of late, I’m making a public (as public as this may be) vow to get off my ass more.  Even if it is just to walk the mile to the drug store instead of driving.  Maybe I’ll start parking further away from the bulding for work and for classes.  Or better yet, maybe I’ll find a fun and worthy 5K this fall and try to get myself back into shape for that. 

At this point, I’d take any kind of motivaiton I could get.

Blatherings

[  Flipping Out” is my new guilty pleasure.  Jeff is such an obssessive a-hole, but there is still something charming and endearing about him. 

[  My daughter demanded that she watch VH1 Rock Honors - The Who last night.  She commented that it was “really cool,” although I am pretty sure she has no clue who The Who even is.

[  One beer equals a migraine trigger.  Three beers equals enough alchohol to numb the pain

[  When you go to the pool for six hours straight, wear sunscreen.  And if you don’t wear sunscreen, also don’t wear your sunglasses all day.  Unless you want to look like a raccoon.

Nashville - Photo Recap - The Send Off

So, since it has been for-freakin-ever since we have been home from the Big Barbershop Bash in Nashville and I have yet to really post anything about it . . . here are some pictures from the trip to make me feel better about myself and please all of my reader.

The Send Off:

Traditionally, the week before the contest the chorus will invite the world to rehearsal to watch last minute preperations.  The chorus will sing the set (the two contest songs) and any competing quartets present will sing.  Here are some shots from The Send Off

Good times.

Tim Gunn is my Hero

So we re-watched Project Runway tonight, so that Alexa could watch all of it and so that Jamison could watch the end (last night he was much more interested in watching Harry Potter with daddy than Project Runway with mommy - which in reality makes me very happy.  Not-that-there-is-anything-wrong-with-that.)

At the end of the show, Alexa wanted to watch previews for next week, which I did not watch last night, and in those previews I heard possible the best quote by Tim Gunn ever:

“That looks like a pterodactyl from a Gay Jurassic Park.”

And that my friends, is why I love the man so.

Back To The Fierce-ness

I’m pretty excited about the new season of Project Runway.  It has nearly become a family viewing event.  It is interesting how strong a fashion point of view a 7-year old boy can have.  Watching last year’s final show, he noted that while he liked Christian’s collection the best, he “didn’t like the oldfashion-y hats very much.”  Well, there you go.

A couple of things before I really get into this recap:

This is going to be very disjointy and ramble-y.  I just got home from my midterm and my entire right wrist, arm and shoulder are killing me, so my notes are gonna be for shit.  I may need to get into my Vicodin stash just to get through.   Because of this pain and possibility of drug induced note-taking, I’m going to be short and possibly ultra-snarky.  I also plan to use lots and lots of bullet lists.  Deal with it.

Before we jump into the actual challange of this week, I few random points I feel the need to make:

• Suede?  Really?  What kind of name is that?
• Blayne.  I am officially naming him Tanny McTannerson.
• Kelli is our favorite.  She is from Columbus and has a boutique here so we love her just for that.  She has a wierd kind of Amy Winehouse vibe going on . . but she makes cute clothes so I can forgive it.

Go Kelly!!

 

So, the first challenge is the Grocery Store Challenge.  Take $75 and head into the grocery store and buy some shit to make an outfit.  This usually ends extremely cute and creative or horribly, horribly wrong. 

Some random notes from the preperation stages:

• This is a pretty large grocery store and yet many of the designers buy table clothes.  Isn’t that kind of like cheating? 
• Stella purchases a shload of black garbage bags and when she opens them she is shocked to find that they look less like leather pants and more like  . . . garbage bags.  Apparently she has never seen or used garbage bags before.  And thus begins the Bitching of Stella.

** Commercial Break:  While it will be difficult to have to sit through Chris Matthews during the movie Swing Vote, it does have Stanly Tucci.  And I heart him. 

Love Love Love

• Back to the workroom and Papa Tim’s discovery of the tablecloths.  As I predicted he is very disappointed and calls the designers “slackers.”  The tablecloth loosers start to scramble to do what they can to distract from the tableclothness of their stuff, by sewing on blue squares and gluing on cookies and candies.  This cannot be good.
• Tanny McTannerson is done and totally thinks he is the shiznit.  He’s totally gonna win and will probably use the money to wallpaper his apartment with tanning bed lights.
• Stella’s garbage bags are acting and looking like . . again . . garbage bags.  She has a plan though.  1) Bitch.  2) Bitch some more.  3) Complain.  4) Give up. 

Back to the apartment for the night where there is not much chit-chat, except for Kelli proclaiming that she is afraid of Nina.  Aren’t we all Kelli, aren’t we all?

Back to the workroom for final work and finishing touches and this includes things like:

• sewing up crotches
• going to hair and make-up
• gluing on cherry tomatoes
• talking shit
• a model’s boob falling out of her crappy garbage bag dress

As we head to the runway, Stella interviews that she wants to vomit, but still is able to stop to check her hair in the mirror on the way out.  This frightens me because I do the same thing.  I cannot walk past a reflective surface without checking myself out in it.  What is that?  My husband takes great delight in making fun of me for this and if we pass mulitple mirrors he will stop at each one and ask if everything still looks okay.  Then I call him an a-hole and we go on about our day.  But, I digress.  And just in time foooooor:

** Commercial Break:  Apparently if you switch from the regular birth control pill to the NuvaRing, you will be able to take off your shower cap, switch into a bikini and sit in hot tub.  I’m mad, because I used the NuvaRing for a while and NONE of this happened to me.  Rip off.

Aaaaaand we are back to the Runway Show.  Austin Scarlett is the guest judge because he won this challenge in Season 1 and becuase he is a freaky, freaky looking man.  Here come some more bullets:

• Someone used a blue Koosh ball as a sleeve.  Totally cool.
• The tablecloth with the cookies and candy glued on looks like a giant walking cupcake.
• Someone made a dress out of paper towels and it is pretty cute.
• Sweet!  A shiny blue plastic cup dress!  Totally reminds me of my favorite drinking game:  Flip Cup!  (Hey Keith - the grudge match is ON!)
• Stella’s garbage bag dress looks much like garbage.  Not a shocker there friends. 
• Here comes a skirt made of pasta shells and a top made of a oven mitt.  And they don’t match at all.  Looks like a kindgergarden class project. 
• A dress made of a shower curtain looks like a homeless maternity dress.
• Tanny McTannerson’s dress is the most jacked up, bizzare and ugly thing I have ever seen.  Dude needs to seriously consider what those tanning rays are doing to his brain.  Fo’ reals.
• Someone did a black and white tablecloth dress that is pretty darn cute. 

Now, Heidi calls out some names and all of the folks she did not call are safe and sent away.  We are left with the Top 3 and Bottom 3.  The judges have their way with the designers:

Daniel made a dress out of blue plastic cups.  I liked this one and the judges did too.  When it comes to blue plastic cup dresses, apparently I have fashion knowledge.

Jerry made a shower curtain raincoat and this dress receives some of the best quotes of the night:

“Bridal nurse”

“Hospital plumber”

“Handi-Wipe gone wrong!”

Korto made a dress out of a yellow tablecloth and used a variety of veggies on the neckline.  It is actually a very cool looking dress and the judges like it.

Stella and her garbage bag mess receive coments that are to be expected, as well as the premonition from me in the form of a quote from Heidi: 

“butt ugly”

Kelli’s dress of vacuum bags and coffee filters with a hook/latch system made of a spiral bound notebook is really awesome.  She dyed and bleached the vacuum bags and burned the edges of the filters and the whole thing is pretty cool looking.  The judges love her as much as I do!

Blayne’s “dress” if you can call it that was described instantly by Austin as “hideous.”  That is saying something my friends.  Michael calls it “playboy bunny gone wrong” and they all agree it is pretty horrible.  The word “diaper” is used more than once. 

Next up . . Judgement!!!  But only after . . .

** Commercial Break:  X-Files Move.  Need I say more.

Back to the show and final judgement:

• Korto is safe
• Daniel is save
• Kelli is announced as the winner and I actually scream out loud!  Yay for Kelli!!!

YAY KELLI!!!

With the Top 3 announced it is really anyone’s game to be sent home.  I think all three bottom designs were fourteen kinds of hideous . . . so let’s see what happens:

• 3rd Least Worse:  Blayne.  Wow.  I thought for sure he be in the bottom two.
• 2nd Least Worse:  Stella.  Fantastic.  Now we get a whole ‘nother week of her bitching.
• The Worst of Them All:  Jerry and his psycho-killer-maternity-raindress-from-hell.  The saddest thing about his is that at the beginning of the show, during the introduction interviews, he notes that he is “very close to being the next big thing.”  Well, considering you just got beat by garbage bags . . I’m thinking not so much.